I'm just going to go ahead and write a giant stream of consciousness sort of thing because I'm so utterly lonely and pathetic in every way that is typically thought of as possible on this little planet of ours.  I am repulsive, and innately unnattractive.  This does not in fact stem from any kind of slight against myself in a physical fashion.  I may not be pick of the litter, but I can say with some confidence that I'm not horrendously ugly...at least...on the outside.  And therein lies the problem.  I am a hideous person inwardly, obsessed and completely wedded to an ambiguous hatred towards just about anything.  Where does this come from?  Did I not get enough hugs as a child?  No...as a matter of fact I didn't.  I didn't like hugs, I didn't like to be around people, because even when I was little, I realized that there is something deeply and irrecovably WRONG with them.  I don't mean wrong, as in they are somehow worse than me or blah blah whatever.  No certainly none of that bullshit, after all, the person I hate the most in the world is myself.  No, this sense of being utterly, unidentifiably wrong stems from a sort of unnatural feel to humanity, a definite sense I get that for some reason, we all just chose to be complete and utter dickbags...that we had a chance some day and we just flat out blew it.  To put it in pretentious metaphor, we were all given some clay, and asked to build something, something out of our wildest dreams and goals, to build what it is in the world that we really wanted.  And what did we make?  We made some genetalia.  We put our sexual drives in the place of where our dreams should be.  And you'll say to me, 'Keith, that is awfully heavy handed, and aren't you the one that yells about that love stuff anyways?'  Yes, it is heavy handed, but isn't it oh so true?  Aren't all relationships we have dictated in some way connected to this sexuality?  AND WHY THE CRAP DO I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS!?!?!?  Here's why, because we have separated the two, we have made love and sexuality things that we think about in a DIFFERENT way.  They can often, or nearly always be made into the same thing, and we can have a loving relationship with heavy passionate sexuality or whatever.  But what happens when we truly forget this connectedness?  What happens when we start to see sexuality as an act, as a goal, as a COMMODITY, when we give it autonomous being as an idea?  Well the emotional response is we are no longer human beings, but once again, I can be heavy-handed.  A more moderate stance would be that we lose all capability to truly integrate ourselves with sexuality, to BE sexual, rather than commit the sexual.  The result is, sex can and will be without love.  This makes me want to vomit.  Now granted, my views on love are also incredibly out of control, and stem from some weird coagulation of too many fairy-tales and a healthy dose of neediness, BUT why would one choose to act in such a way, nay even THINK in such a way that they would have a serious attraction to someone they don't love.  Sex becomes something we consume and produce, something that is 'sold' rather than given, and because of this selling, becomes an object of desire itself.  People WANT sex, they do not coexist with it.  We are so closed or open to the avenue of casual sex for this exact reason, it has become something that we can enjoy without commitment, without sacrifice, without hardship, things that are integral to real love.  Love is not all happy-faces and walks on the beach.  Television, books, and a large number of our peers have shown us that it can be, but how realistic is this conception?  Does the married couple of 30 years still love one another, or do they simply exist together?  On the same token, can giving one's 'love' away freely (oooh man i get mad when it comes to the hippies), to any and all that you are attracted to (or 'love')...is this any healthier?  Does having a casual attachment to many people somehow give you a greater sense of satisfaction as a person?  Granted, most of those people may think very highly of you, and if you are 'liberated' in that sense, will probably have a great deal of respect and admiration for your generosity and kindness.  But you are living life as a shadow, a facade, a farce.  To not give yourself away, to not BECOME love, but instead feel it, is to only go so far, to only give up your SEX and not your LOVE.  Love is undying, love is all powerful, and it is something that very few of us ever feel.  So what do so many of us do?  We close ourselves off to it.  We bury ourselves in friendships, in shallow loves built on sex and convenience.  The eighties were correct in their assertion that love does indeed 'hurt.'  It is through this pain that we learn, however, and to not learn, to be content with HAPPINESS(don't get me started on this) is to basically buy an icecream cone, eat off all the sprinkles, look at a homeless man, point at the cone, point to him, walk over to him...then throw the cone in the gutter.  Happiness is a crutch, happiness is a false wall put up.  Surely, there is unimaginable pain on the way to finding real love, to finding the truth of truths.  It hurts so bad that for many of us, our hearts break and we turn to one of the afformentioned ways out (or some of us...bitter...bitter...harden our hearts as best we can, and keep smashing into the wall--to weak to realize we'll never break through).  My problem is, I continuously fall for things, I allow myself to get wrapped up in the moment, every time reaching for that true love, only to find that the other person is never ready to take the final step, to run up against the wall.  After all, the wall is imposing, and you don't know if you're going tobreak through.  But jesus christ, can't we try, just once, can't we all just FUCKING TRY.