You thought I was going to write about valentine's day didn't you?  Well you're right, I am.  I'm writing about the squishy-sexy-sensuousness that underlies our day to day actions, our every smile, every gesture, every touch.  But mostly, yes mostly, I'm talking about a situation comedy based around scabies.  Scabies is an underrated disease, mostly forgotten as the overweight cousin of crabs.  But nay NAY, no more shall scabies be a mere crusty sore on the ass of humanity's collective consciousness!  I've got a great new slogan for birthcontrol in this country.  It's not about not having sex (we all know that depriving the youngsters of their sex makes them cranky and their gonads explode<---they do I seen it!), but instead, it's about not having babies.  We shouldn't be regulating sex, we should be regulating babies!  I mean christ, it's babies that we're all afraid of, babies rhyme with rabies, and raccoons are scary little critters.  Scabies not babies!  Scabies not Rabies!  Scabies not....african...killer....bees...you get the idea...I...SAY I"M YOUR MOMMA.  Sure AIDS is an issue, but who can be afraid of such a catchy acronym?  After all it is a large part of the popular antacid and shit suppressant rolAIDS.  Speaking of shit suppressant, there needs to be more advertisement for champagne enemas.  DID YOU KNOW THEY HAVE THESE?  I mean shit, if I were to get done up the butt, and I wanted to get drunk these would be the fucking way to go!  Your rectum has like a million blood vessels which absorb the alcohol at ludicrous speed, and on top of this you're getting something in your butt.  HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY GO WRONG!?!?  Nothing says 'sophisticated lady' like a giant dissolvable pill of enema glory.  And the best part is, you won't have to hold those darn flutes for so long, not wanting to break them, or accidently spill anything onto the carpet.  Sure you might have a stain in the back of your pants or skirt, but that's normal right?  SHITTING YOURSELF IS COOL RIGHT!?!!??!  THEY DIDN"T LIE TO ME IN GRADE SCHOOL DID THEY?  I"M HIP RIGHT!?!?  So that's what I'm saying, we put this show about scabies on the air, on MTV.  We get kids to start having sex with eachother and passing parasites, killing babies, and shoving alcohol in their butts.  IT"S FUCKING UTOPIA.  Once we have the youth passing scabies to eachother and everyone's itchy and gross, I can pass like a normal fucking person because all the scratch marks from the fleas won't look so out of place.  OH GOD I ITCH PLEASE KILL ME.  MY GROIN.....MYYYYYYYYY GRRRRRROOOOIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN.  Jock itch is a big problem in this country, and as far as I can tell it has to do with this sexuality problem.  Jock itch creates the inevitable date rape situation, which leads to more and more laccrosstitutes losing their scholarships due to side-cockery.  Frankly this disgusts me.  These beautiful talented young women should not be getting kicked out of college simply because they want someone's forarm jammed up to their cervix.  Doesn't cervix sound like a kickass name for an X-(wo)man?  Maybe not, but I still think that having a forearm in there can't be good for the babies.  THAT"S IT.  WE DON"T NEED TO GIVE PEOPLE SCABIES, WE JUST NEED TO JAM OUR ARMS UP TO THEIR ELBOWS INTO WOMEN"S VAGINAS.  THIS WILL KILL THE CHILD WITHIN.  (Believe me I am working with full capacity as to the horrendous ramifications this will have should anyone read it ever--remember--lighten up, this is a joke--wait no it's not)  ONCE THE CHILD IS DEAD, WE CAN GO BACK TO GIVING EACHOTHER SCABIES. 

I love you spartacus.