You know who totally rocks?  Optimus fucking prime.  I mean first of all he's a giant robot that can turn into a big rig.  That's right, not some sissy tank, a FUCKING BIG RIG.  Ten forty good buddy I got a keel-ass full of ginger dumplings to deliver at 1800 and a chancre on my ass the size of a dead pig.  I wish I was a big-rig driver.  I mean granted, I'd be the skinniest guy out there and I'd get beat up and left in an old barrel full of expired pickles, but it'd be worth it.  Life on the road, the wind in your thinning hair, the gentle rumble of asphalt on your crotch.  I mean christ those things are huge, and you can just take a fuckin crap out the window and no one can stop you as long as you belong to a union.  But optimus prime, optimus fucking prime, with a name that means basically THE BEST NUMBA ONE SUPA GUY, he's just my fucking hero.  Where else can you go for when you need more than just a shipment of milk, you need a shipment of milk AND SOME FUNK MUTHAFUCKAAAA.  Speaking of blacksploitation movies, I was thinking the other day, we need less of those, and more crack-sploitation movies.  No I don't mean the drug, I mean movies about really really really white middle class people doing really white middle class things.  Instead of being films that have the epigraph 'a spike lee joint'  we can say 'a herman beckstein moderately priced cigar with a hit of vanilla.'  Wouldn't that fucking rock?  Get on the bus would be 'get in my luxury SUV for a trip to the soccer game or the golf course.'  WHO WOULDN"T WANT TO SEE THESE MOVIES?!?!?!  SHAFT!??!? I MEAN COME ON, I"LL DO YOU ONE BETTER.

CRACK-SPLOITATION THEATRE PRESENTS:

RODDY MC ROD ROD--A desk jockey who files bike theft complaints in pleasantville.  The excitement never stops.  Then one day a black family moves into the neighborhood.  The rest of the movie becomes a horrible knock-off of the odd couple combined with blazing saddles.  We all laugh and then feel bad.

YOUNG MEN IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD--A group of young teens decide to buy leather jackets with money they've gotten from saving up the 'mad cash' they've made on their paper routes.  After buying these jackets they terrorize the neighborhood by occasionally being loud and using street chalk to draw boobies on people's driveways.

ARE YOU GETTING SERVED?--A delightful comedy based around young men working in a department store who also do a bit of risque dancing on the side--RISQUE BALLROOM DANCING *GASP*