I sent this to some jerkass on the internet at this site OKcupid...

Dear Calada,

People say I have nice abs, and I spend the majority of my time comparing them to the volumes of cheap canned beer I purchase at the local liquor store with the money I receive from shaking down middle-schoolers.  When I'm not thinking about how amazingly attractive, witty, and insightful I am, I like to troll the bar scene looking for other uninteresting people to have sex with in a public bathroom.  My hobbies include horrific head injuries and waking up in a warm pool of my lost dignity. 

I was hoping we could meet up sometime on this here interweb and I could pressure you into having cybersex with me.  When this fails I will spend the better part of the day looking for pictures of people fondling molluscs.  My turn ons include:  women who take their clothes off for money, a free wet bar, though I'm not exactly sure what that means, movies that remind me of my awkward teenage years in an overly sexualized fashion, and walnuts.  My turn offs include:  people who think for themselves, that ever growing red itchy splotch on my groin, and books.

who loves ya baby,
some dickweed