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Unfortunately this is Emo

I kinda have to write about this because it's been driving me crazy for the past few weeks or so.  As the previous post mentions, I have a girlfriend.  Haha let's all have a good laugh at how twistedly ironic life is. 

Here's the thing though...

I have never, ever, ever had a relationship this good.  We don't fight, there's no awkwardness or anything.  In fact, I couldn't be happier, Caitlin is absolutely perfect for me in every way.  She's outgoing, positive but with a history of being depressed (wow just like me!) very intuitive and smart, jaw-droppingly beautiful and about a million other really fucking awesome things.  I mean we've been living together for a little more than two months now, and things have been going without any real hitch.  So why can't I shake the feeling that it's all going to crash and burn?  Besides you know the inevitability that she realizes I'm totally worthless, uninteresting, unmotivated, and destined to fail at pretty much every aspect of life.  Well, as some of you may know, I am very much the jealous type.  I've had to deal with so much of the 'cheating' and 'indiscretion' phenomenon throughout my life through friends or even myself that I'm SO SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF PEOPLE BEING UNFAITHFUL.  It literally makes me screaming levels of angry, to the point where I lose all sense of rationality.  Why is this, because I object to it on principle?  No, because it makes me feel like if it were to happen to me it would completely emotionally castrate me.  I have such a low self-esteem anyways that even the merest hint that Caitlin (or any one of my friends-->in an emotional sense at least) is not being 'satisfied.'  So why do I even mention this, when clearly there has been no hint of it whatsoever--our relationship and sex continuously rocking out or what have you? 

BECAUSE--DUN DUN DUN

Caitlin has a past.  Oh wow jeez.  I"M A FUCKING MORON.  But I can't get by this.  Of course she has a past, of course she's enjoyed relationships and stuff before me, and of course she will after me, these are fundamental aspects of life.  Oh wait, gentle reader, you forgot.  I FAIL AT LIFE.  Caitlin has, in her own words 'kissed alot of boys' and certainly has the potential to do so in the future.  And my mind says, well hell yeah good for her, she's an awesome girl, and she deserves to have fun and get what she wants.  The school year is coming up, and she'll be in contact with tons of potentially awesome guys.  But then, I'm selfish, and I want her to myself, to quote the proverbial Weezer 'I want a girl who will laugh for no one else.'  Yes I do realize that I will never get this, that Caitlin's attraction to other guys is totally normal, and if she were to do anything that is her life and she can live it, but once again, I"m a nutbag.  I really do love her, in a way that I've never felt with anyone before, but my ridiculousness is so out of control that this love may turn into some kind of want for posession or control.  (It is well documented that I'm a total control freak about pretty much every aspect of my life)  So what I predict happening is either yes, Caitlin does follow her friendly outgoing nature and starts a relationship or hooksup with some guy thus forcing me to hate her for the rest of my life, a very real and distinct possibility, or barring that, I constantly watch her and close my tentacles of hatred around her until she feels so suffocated that she just breaks up with me in some kind of HORRIBLY RIDICULOUSLY DRAMATIC DRAG OUT FIGHT........which seems to happen pretty often.  I don't want this relationship to crash and burn, it really has done so much for me, and I love caitlin so much.  I don't know what to do and it makes me cry<--what a pussy at night while she sleeps next to me or when she's at work and I'm home.  I'm so sick and tired of not being able to deal with my jealousy and just love someone fully and truly, but I'm so attached to my cynicism and my doubt, and my hateful bitterness about everything in the world that I'm not sure which is going to win out.

Anyways, I hope I can write something funny to balance this shitfest out....thanks for reading I guess, those of you who still falsely believe I'm alive and haven't been replaced by a well dressed robot.

Posted on Tuesday, August 3, 2004 at 07:09PM by Registered CommenterSubsume and Lick! | Comments8 Comments

Reader Comments (8)

first of all, they would never replace you with a well-dressed robot if they were trying to fool anybody. secondly, i dont think it's so unhealthy to hate the idea of being cheated on ;p here's the part where i become dr phil (i guess i do bear a resemblance w/the italian mustache and all): talk about and deal w/it now and decide what is best for both of you before it gets too bad and you cant be friends anymore. And now for our commercial break...
August 5, 2004 | Unregistered Commentertara
I agree, cheating if so god awful and those who do it should be hated. Here is the thing GC, I like the bitter cynical you, but you are right about your jealousy being out of hand, it always was. But there are other possible outcomes then the cheating on you or you becoming overly possessive and suffocating her options you mentioned here. Thats right, even for those bad at real life, there are often more then two possible choices... now your job is to make it be one of those other ones. Tara is right, start by talking about it. Of course I am not going to tell you that the option you should shoot for is all happy and shiny, nothing is perfect, but somethings can be perfect for some people, thats what you need, an outcome that is right for both you and Caitlin. Again talk to her about this, realize that that is an order, because if you don't I will probably hit you for it, and granted I won't put up much of a fight when yuo start hitting back, if you fail to talk to her, and you lose her you need to be hit for it. A good way to start may be to have her read your post here, that way its all already writen down, you won't forget any aspec,t and you can then sit down and explain anything she doesn't understand before things get emotional or argumentative. Do deal with this though, if you do you can probably find a way to trust, I think you should, its hard to give the benefit of the doubt, especially when all you have been is hurt, but remember this, there is only one person who you will spend the rest of your life with,m it will only happen once. So yes, she has a past, and so do you, but you are already talking about her dating other guys, stop thinking like that. As Steve would say, "stop it, just stop it, don't be a pussy and quit, that what I did with cigarettes" well he is right, stop thinking like that. You and Caitlin can work things out, but it is work. Although you are saying everything is wonderful for now, thats obviouly not true by this post of yours; you need to deal with this while the problem is still only in your head. Let her help you deal with it though, thats your first step to opening up and loving her truely and trusting her completely.
August 5, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterJosh
hey guys, stop talking about me. >:O
August 9, 2004 | Unregistered Commentercaitlin
josh--whatchu doin this friday ? ;)
August 9, 2004 | Unregistered Commentercaitlin
Someone's hilarious.

hatred.
August 10, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterKeith
catlin... this Friday I am spending with my Girlfriend who I plan to marry one day. I will be a bit distracted by wondering if GC will be not depressed enough to come visit me. He better not be depressed, since you do read this and knwo whats going on, you have as much responsibility as him for working this out.
August 10, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterJosh
Josh I'm pretty sure that's not caitlin. And I thought it was next weekend not this coming one?
August 11, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterKeith
I am pretty sure its not as well, I didn't think you would be one of "those guys" you know, the type to post their feelings to the internet knowing their GF would read them rather then talking to her face, its very passive aggressive. rather I was pretty sure you would post here on the off chance one of us had some worthwhile advice or words of comfort. but just incase she did see, I wanted her to realize I think she has got to work as hard on this issue as you. just cause you are the one with the problem doesn't mean that both of your happinesses aren't at stake. as for which weekend it is, yes it is next weekend, Kev and group are arriving on the 19th, a thursday and then its gaming glory until sunday. you should definately come. heck I'd even invite catlin, but I will say that sleeping room may be limited, uncomfortable and not private. let me know when you know that you are coming.
August 11, 2004 | Unregistered CommenterJosh

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