Breakin the meatloaf down
Bestiality has got to be the most hilarious thing on the planet. I'm now under the impression that it is this gigantic practical joke that for some reason, everyone takes seriously. Think about it, people actually get aroused, they get INTERESTED in the concept of a woman gyrating around on a horse's penis? They like the idea of some dude making love to a duck? THIS IS ENJOYABLE TO THEM SEXUALLY!?!?!??!? That's clearly impossible. What is far more likely is, that these situations remind us of cartoons in which bugs bunny rocks the transvesticism and makes out with elmer fudd. This was of course, played for laughs. Had elmer bent bugs over a tree trunk and started nailing him, I think it would be extremely disturbing.......and much more hilarious. In no cases is it sexy. 'Oaaahhh gawd, Oaahhh gawd, you'we a wascally wabbit you awe, oooo I'll get you. Fuck da wabbit, Fuck da wabbit, FUCK DA WABBIT' Ok you get the idea. If this was graphic, we'd laugh even harder. BECAUSE OF THE SIMPLE FACT THAT I"M REASONABLY SURE THE ANIMALS DON"T LIKE IT. THEY ARE DISORIENTED, THEY ARE NOT SURE WHAT IS GOING ON UNTIL IT IS FAR TOO LATE! Bugs would just frantically kick the ground underneath him and scream for help. This brings up an awful awful truth. Bestiality is essentially the rape of an animal. It is wholly without consent because an animal is unable to give tacit consent. It is very very wrong, and very very mean-spirited. Here's the problem. Animals make hilarious noises when in distress. Argueably, because the horrific psychological effects of rape are greatly reduced for an animal, this makes it more of an uncomfortable situation than a violent one. The camera in your mind's eye closes in on the animals eyes, they widen, then it's just OOAOREIUWOERARROAUEWEIIIUOQWEIURQOIUUIOOIIIIIIAAAAA!!!! THE ANIMAL FREAKS THE FUCK OUT! WOULDN"T YOU!?!?
Imagine this scenario...does anyone remember seaquest? It was a show about a bunch of star trek rejects that couldn't make it to space so they decided they were just going to buy an old submarine and play jaques cousteau. Well if you remember correctly, there was a dolphin in the show; because I don't know the sex of the animal, and can't remember it's name, it will be given the androgynous monicker 'Kim' for our story...our story being a bestiality porno.
*Camera on swimming pool/ocean entrance--Kim is swimming around, enjoying the warm water and a day absent of any serious SEA-QUESTS (DUN DUN DUN)...ugh...A screen above the tank transmits his thoughts*
Kim--Water sure is warm today; getting hungry though, I hope Ron comes by with the food soon.
*Ron is walking to the tank on the side of the screen. He is wearing a crotchless wetsuit. This would be sexy except for the fact that it's a crotchless wetsuit and...no no that's pretty much the only reason. He approaches with a wild look in his eyes and a bucket of fish*
Kim--Ron you're here, thank god I'm so hungry. *The words on the screen bulge to emphasize hungry*
Ron--I've been hungry too. *Extremely obnoxious laugh track inserted for additional tension*
*Ron slides into the water, with his bucket of fish, Kim swims over next to him. Ron pats his head and begins feeding him fish. Kim enjoys being pat on the head*
Kim--Lovely morning, mmm, good fish...a little to the left please.
Ron--Sure.
*We switch to underwater camera, which has a similar text display monitor. Ron slides in behind Kim*
Kim--Ron, what are you doing?
Ron--Nothing just relax.
Kim--Ron, that's a little private you don't need to go that low... Ron, did you hear me? Ron...Ron...? Ron, I just want my breakfast now... Ron...? RON NO!
*We turn away from the two to see bubbles and hear thrashings in the water, and the screamed whistles, whines and clicks of kim's dolphin language. We turn to the screen*
Kim-- OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD EWOIUYRIWRUPOIQUWOEURIQWIORUPOIEWURQREWRWEPOIRUQ HHEEEEEELLLLLLP OIEWRUPOWEQRUEWQUEIPORU
Don't let your guard down like I did. Don't let Ron dress you up in a dolphin suit and force you to play seaquest.
Subsume and Lick!
8 Comments
Reader Comments (8)
strange what i remember sometimes...
On a side note, it has been well documented that Dophins are very sexual animals, and many have tried to hump humans. In all those swim with the dolphins pools for terminally ill children its a big problem. Plus with the whole you could drown under water becasue dolphin parts are on the bottom, it is much more likely for a dolphin to hump a person then a person to hump a dolphin.
Proof or arousal can hardly be taken as consent. I know what you're thinking, but I have to admit: that night the cops caught you molesting that passed out 12 year old and you just kept repeating "But she liked it! She was wet!"... I'm sorry, I didn't actually agree with you. I just said I did because I thought it would help me molest innocent horses. I mean... well okay horses.
Dolphins though... yeah they're randy gents, they are. I recall a delightful read on a text instructing one on the art of dolphin seduction. The more informative bit enlightened me to the fact that allowing a male dolphin to deposit it's tuna juices in any human orafice will blow a fuckin' hole in that human's body. Now THAT'S comedy
Peter: "I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And then I'll tell you why we can never go back to Seaworld again."
This brief and hilarious Family Guy quote succinctly summarizes my feelings on beastiality. Essentially, if I don't have to see it, but I can hear about the fantastic and musical noises the animals make when a large human penis is thrust into one of their orifices, preferrably but not necessarily a sexually-related orifice, then beastiality gets the big thumbs-up from me. Not penis up mind you. Because to see a picture of someone having sex with an animal and have to see the look of shock and / or pleasure on that animal's face would break my young heart and empty my young bowels onto the floor. But on the whole (haha, I said "On the hole") beastiality seems relatively harmless and absolutely hi-fucking-larious.
That's a quarter in your ear, beetch!
Nate
Rooty toot toot, rooty toot toot, das flowers, beetch!
This of course brings me to my next point, animals seem to enjoy beastiality as long as they are on the giving end. You but a horny dog on top of some naked chick and let go, he knows what to do, and he goes to town. Therefor I propose this, everyone on the giving end of beastiality like it. It is not the different species aspects that make it wrong then, its the whole rape part. And rape is wrong.
Well unless you use some KY to make her wet and prove she liked it.
NOW THAT"S OFFENSIVE