Today I had to beg for food for lunch.  It's my birthday.  You'd think, that on your birthday, someone, anyone, in the whole frikkin world, would do something nice for you.  Speaking of german shit porno, for some reason, this seems to be all the rage nowadays.  I hear people talking about people shitting in one another's mouths all the time now.  CAN WE TAKE SOMETHING BETTER FROM THE GERMANS PLEASE?!?!?  DO WE HAVE TO TAKE THEIR SHIT PORNO???  Why don't we take their efficient cars, or their more efficient social security system.  No, the people have spoken, and we decided that shit porno was the way to go.  After all, it has all the eroticism of grunting and sphincters.  FUCKING SPCHINCTER, what the hell is that?  IT"S LIKE A LAMPREY'S MOUTH ON YOUR BUTT.  ONLY IT DOESN"T DRINK BLOOD IT FUCKING PUKES OUT BROWN WASTE MATTER.  What stupid ass god thought this up...

IMAGINATION TIME!
Picture a bunch of gods around a table, you've got Athena, goddess of wisdom, you've got Haichiman, the japanese god of war and bushido, aaannnnnnnnddddd how about Kali.  They're all thinking to themselves, 'people eat, so when they have stuff in their bodies that they can't break down...'(they decided we can't break that shit down because it's too 'hardcore' for us)....'so, why don't we shove a fucking lamprey backwards up their butt, and squeeze it's tail so it shoots brown smelly shit all over the place.  And then jesus came in and said, 'guys, it also has to shoot methane, so when they get near fires, the flames can shoot up their butt.'  They all agreed that this was the best idea ever because for some reason jesus thinks scorched butt is a hilarious phrase. 

So in short, someone shit in my sandwich today, which I had to beg to get, on my birthday.  I will fight you right now baby jesus.