Hurricanes have got to be the most overrated natural disasters ever.  I mean come on now....wind?  WIND?  The same thing that lovingly caresses you on a moonlit evening in summer?  I find this extremely hard to believe.  In reality I think that hurricanes must be wind's problem child (like that rock-ass movie from the eighties), with the red hair, the big nose and everything.  After all, who usually gets punished by hurricanes the most?  That's right, the south.  And what is the south filled with?  Toothless yokels and nuns (nuns is a euphamism for religious folk).  So, as usual, god punishes their wicked ways by sending a disaster, in the form of wind's red-headed bastard child, the hurricane.  Anyone who has ever experienced a hurricane and says it is the most dangerous thing ever has obviously not withstood the infinitely more powerful natural disaster of explosive diarrhea or when you run out of pretzels.  That said and done, quite a few people die from hurricanes every year.  My guess is that they must be stupid, or southern, or more than likely both.  Stupid confederates deserve what god gives them. 

There was once a man from nantucket...  He was really nice and everyone in town thought he was great.

That is all.

The other day I gothed it up hardcore by putting on over 20 belts over my waist and torso.  These belts were of varying colors, shapes, and sizes.  It was like I was wearing makeshift armor, only not quite as nerdy.  I felt like one of those people who buy pants six sizes too big so that the length of hose that they shove down there to impress the ladies can fit without coming out their cuff.  Only this time, I had a million belts around my waist and I pretended I was Brandon Lee.  Then I got shot in the stomach while filming the worst movie of all time.  No one cried for me, because I suck.

Lesson to learn:  When you steal belts, steal like fifty so that you can make a huge ass blanket to put on a hobo then set on fire.

Two absolutely ricockulous things that happened to myself and my buddy Jeremy a few days ago...

Ben was over my house, which as always, was a blast.  We had been playing some confrontation (a french miniatures game...yeah shutup), but I had wandered into the kitchen to get some shizzle together to eat.  Upon exiting the kitchen, I heard the latch to our door open and crack ever so slightly.  In response, in my loudest stereotypically latino voice I yelled GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY...HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY

It was our RHC, Rob.  He had come to inform us of a meeting for our group of houses.  I felt like a right ass, and then I felt Rob's ass.

Jeremy was in a similar situation, in which he had been in the shower while a maintenance crew was working on some electrical system in his house.  He had thought that the crew left, because they were no longer in the living room.  Wandering into his room groggy with post-masturbatory haze, and wet from the shower, Jeremy wandered into his room to see some of his stuff moved around.  Naturally he responded with 'Who's been messing with my glavin?' 

"I HAVE," responded a very burly redneck.  And Jeremy then wet his pants.

As of this morning one of my posts was destroyed because of squarespace eating it alive.  I suppose there were some kinks to workout, and besides sobbing for a good two hours I'm ok...  Anyways, here's a list of things that I really don't like...

1.  You

Whew, that took a while to type, I just hope everyone knows who I'm talking about.  A heh heh...hehehehehehehehehHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Before you get all offended and go tell Eminem so he can show up at my house with his 'piece' and 'do some damage,' you should know that Y-O-U is an acronym for something far worse than YOU.  And c'mon, how much of an egomaniac could you possibly be to think that I'd take the time to actually hate you rather than pull down your pants in public...  Annnnyyywhhhoooo here's the acronym.

.........Oh, you're still here.  Well, truthfully enough it doesn't mean anything, I just wanted to boost your self esteem by lying to you and telling you that I like you.  Fuck.  Well I guess all that's left for me in the world is that badass Boston record where they are flying in a spaceship shaped like huge-ass guitar...

We all know how to solve this dispute, with a log rolling contest!

Our world is going through some serious and very heavy issues as of late, such as overpopulation, wars, environmental concerns etc...

I would like to take an opportunity now to state, on national television while kissing babies and taking their candy, that I throw in my full support of...

Domestic terrorists
Islamic terrorists
Palistinian Militants
Eco terrorists

Some of you may ask, why would Keith say such horrible things?  Why does he hate America?  And I would say.  Eat some chocolate cake you seven year old girl who got late to the birthday party so she didn't get any icecream and missed the pony ride!  I don't hate America!!!  I HATE AMERICANS.  DUMB CONSUMER JERKS WHO SPEND MORE TIME FIGURING OUT HOW MANY DOLLARS IT WILL TAKE THEM TO BUY THAT VASE THEY USE TO KEEP THEIR HEROIN IN THAN THINKING ABOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD.  Too many of us have gotten complacent to the degree that we couldn't smell or see poverty if it broke into our house in its tommy jeans with a natty bo in each hand and kicked us in the junk.  We each have decided through our inaction, that it is ok to have homeless people in America, it's ok to have starving people all over the world.  We have plenty of grain to feed them, but instead we sell them weapons so that later on we can threaten them with our bigger weapons.  Suffice to say, we are cockblocking the rest of the world in a way that is most foul.  Those of you that read my page and find it amusing or what have you, please take a few seconds and pull your hand out of your pants to think about honestly helping someone.  If you see homeless people where you live or in a city you are visiting, FOR GODDSAKKES HELP THEM OUT.  It is your duty as a person.  Sure they might be grifting you, or maybe they'll buy drugs, but then again...maybe they won't.  Maybe they are really striving towards a better future for themselves and their families.

Sorry to end on such a preachy and not funny note, but eh what are you going to do.

For your amusement, here are some last names of kids in my lame math class....

Diet
Dickley
Dorque

On a related note, I threatened a young woman the other day with a crotch I had recently moistened by spilling water upon it.

That's all I've got.

The prodigal son returns, or in this case...just me...  Summer was fuckin nuts and I'm sorry I couldn't get my ass into a public internet space to do some rants and raves.  Rather than waste your time with something that I have to come up with on the spot that happened this summer (I can't remember), I'm just going to talk about mixed nuts.  Mixed nuts have a very exciting history...

It was the year 1745, in beautiful southern germany.  The birds warbled their way through the day, while peasant laborers broke their backs hauling rocks up hills so that later on in the week, those rocks could be dropped on their legs for celebration purposes.  Yes indeed, it was the old country, where people smashed sheep for a living and times were rough and fast, like many of the german's mothers.  Hans Franzden had just made an excellent morning out of choking the chicken.  You see in those days, fowl had to be ritually choked before they popped out eggs.  Later on that day he masturbated until his ejaculatory fluid came shooting out of his penis onto the adjoining wall.  In those days, they called this churning the man relish, and at the end of the year all the young virginal maidens of the village would gather up said relish, and cook humongous brotwurscht.

Ok I'm bored with that story.  Let's talk about people who obviously need a big 'whea yo' nuts at.'  There's this kid, I've seen around campus, that has obviously no idea where his testicles are.  This is not any sort of blemish upon his masculinity or anything, far from it.  You see, this kid has no idea what's going on.  He's in my math class (more or less), and today he showed up late--which is fine.  But instead of coming in, he just stands in the door like he's waiting for someone to shoot him in the head execution style, or blow him counterclockwise or something.  Anyways after literally two minutes had passed and this kid finally goes 'umm I'm supposed to be here.'  The professor was like 'uhh, then get in my class.'  And then I yelled, "AND INTO MY DREAMS"

Story over.

End of the year.  Night before graduation.  Not much to say really, other than there's this abstract sense of lonliness that comes with a bunch of jerks you know leaving your life forever.  Kind of like when a doughnut falls down the drain outside of the 7-11.  You will never see that doughnut again.  It's usually a sprinkled one too, covered with dozens of brightly colored memories of bittersweet times spent with your loved ones.  OH GOD I"M SO SAD.

Hah.  Yeah.  I've spent the last few days living in a house with no internet, one television, and a bunch of nerds.  We've all gotten so lazy that we don't really eat or sleep, we just kind of nap and bitch through the day.  One thing I've noticed about our house is that there is a fine layer of grit all over everything.  It's like having lice, only they're not alive, and they're everywhere, not just on your head.  You go to get a sandwich, it's gritty, you go to stick an eclair in your butt, your sphincter is all covered with sand...  I tell you it's like they sawdust our house every morning before we wake up.  Ever have one of those roach motels?  Our carpet has gotten kind of like that.  Whether it's too much of the *ahem* adult videos that my housemates partake of, or the fact that we leave trash out for weeks at a time, the result is the same, a floor that you could use as a make-shift bug catcher.  Speaking of bug catcher, those things don't really work all that well for getting rid of crabs.  Oh sure it works on the genital kind, but lemme tell you, it didn't solve my little blunder of going fishing in the lobster tank.  That thing hung on for about six....nevermind, the important thing is, I'll miss the house in a weird sort of way.  A weird sexy sort of way.  You see our house was kind of like an old russian mail order bride.  She did what you wanted, you only need to wash her two days a year, and she may smell a little funny, but that's nothing a few scented candles can't fix.  Yep.  Life's alot like a russian mail order bride. 

As this is the last day before grad, I will have to holla out to all the jerks that are leaving me in this hellhole...

Jess, Naomi, Matt, Dan, Earl, Tim, Mike, Adam, Kirk, Abbey, Katie, Steve, Kevin, Richard
Rock out.  Enjoy your tough life of working and being disappointed when the world shoves a live porpoise in your ear.  Suckers.

Has anyone noticed how coffee is just a fancy word for 'scrotum sweat?'  I can't think of a single tihng that is more gross in terms of food.  Basically you're taking this little ass bean, which takes like guano and looks like deer feces.  Then you grind this shit up like cocaine, mix it with water, then you drink it. YOU DRINK IT?!?!?!  IT LOOKS LIKE DIARRHEAH!  IT TASTES LIKE DIARRHEAH!  And caffeine?  Who gets addicted to caffeine?  How much of a wuss can you possibly be to get addicted to caffeine, you might as well get addicted to fucking cheerios, they're better for your heart.  But really, if you need to drink poop water every morning to wake up you've got a serious problem.  WHich brings me to another thing...Cigarettes?  WHO THE FUCK STILL SMOKES THOSE?  Yeah I'm going to take some leaves, dip them IN TAR, tar... you know the shit they use to fuse asphalt together so that when you drive your car that drives on the blood of the mideastern worker it has a smooth ride so your significant other, or better yet a prostitute can give you oral sex without hitting the back of their neck on the steering wheel.  FUCKING TAR YOU IDIOTS.  Then they slap some white paper all around it, and you stick that sucker in your mouth.  Nope nope, the crazy isn't over, because then you light that shit on fire.  IT"S LIKE A MINI FOREST FIRE IN MY MOUTH.  LOOK MA AND VARIOUS ARIST TYPES AND PSEUDO INTELLECTUALS, I"M DESTROYING THE ENVIRONMENT!!  NOW IN FUN SIZE!  Not to mention cancer, apparently people think cancer is cool.  Is this like the whole heroin chic of back in the day?  Hey my lungs don't work properly and I like systematically damaging the lungs of those around me.  I think haaaarrrdd black lungs are sexy.  I also think phlegm, and blood are sexy, especially when I cough them up.  Oh yeah, I also like dying 10 years before everyone else, that's cool.  Alot of people tell me that nicotene helps smooth them out.  A stimulant.  Helps smooth you out.  A stimulant.  I.  Ok, yeah.  Fine.  Whatever you say. 

I won't even get into how stupid alcohol is.  If you drink coffe or smoke cigarettes, do me a favor and do a line...of strik-9.  You fucking hippy.