CleoDestroy: bout fuckin time
Slayngren: hah what's up hon
Slayngren: just finished watching wrong turn
CleoDestroy: nothin
CleoDestroy: lol
Slayngren: #@)(*$&#)@*(&$ ORGASM
Slayngren: man i love that movie
CleoDestroy: i went into labor in a forum today... what?
CleoDestroy: ive never seen that movie
CleoDestroy: is it good?? lol
Slayngren: fucking awesome
Slayngren: we'll watch it this weekend
Slayngren: and good, that's what i like to hear
Slayngren: where is the baby]
CleoDestroy: yeah... passed out and left them with the kid
Slayngren: or was it stillborn
CleoDestroy: lol
Slayngren: to be even more offensive
CleoDestroy: hahaha
Slayngren: so what's up with you
Slayngren: how are ya and such
CleoDestroy: nothin... you're friend... Arkitekt is flirting with me again..lol
CleoDestroy: jk
Slayngren: well if you like it then more power to him
Slayngren: and to you
CleoDestroy: oh you know... going insane due to the speed of the earth rotation.... the usual
Slayngren: may you make great babies some day
CleoDestroy: lol...oh god
CleoDestroy: no
Slayngren: why the hell not
Slayngren: jeremy's nice
Slayngren: sorta
Slayngren: and not annoying
Slayngren: sorta
CleoDestroy: my thighs only open for things going in... not come out
CleoDestroy: lol
Slayngren: and not unnattractive
Slayngren: sorta
CleoDestroy: lol
CleoDestroy: hahahahaha
CleoDestroy: oh god
Slayngren: ?
Slayngren: hey i'm just being objective
Slayngren: he's a pretty average guy
CleoDestroy: heh
Slayngren: pretty clever but pretty average
Slayngren: great guy though, good friend too
CleoDestroy: um...::taken:: remember?
Slayngren: you know i say these things because i'm having sex with him
Slayngren: oooh yeah, i didn't know whether taht was still the case for you
Slayngren: how's all that going?
CleoDestroy: um.... good
CleoDestroy: heh
CleoDestroy: :-)
Slayngren: what's teh fellow's name again?
Slayngren: and he goes to schoo with you right?
Slayngren: or something
Slayngren: i'm horrible at remembering this stuff
CleoDestroy: no.. he lives in Alabama
CleoDestroy: and his name is Braydon
Slayngren: alabama
Slayngren: strike one
CleoDestroy: lol
Slayngren: braydon?
Slayngren: not brandon
Slayngren: strike two
CleoDestroy: right
CleoDestroy: um....
CleoDestroy: strike?
Slayngren: c'mon hon it's comin right over the plate
Slayngren: don't miss this one
Slayngren: what else
CleoDestroy: lol.... and he is...ahem.... 15
CleoDestroy: hahahahahahahahaha
Slayngren: ...i hope to god you're lying
Slayngren: otherwise i'm skipping straight to strike four
Slayngren: which is excommunication from everything
CleoDestroy: ::awkward silence::
Slayngren: LAUREN
Slayngren: >:o
CleoDestroy: what?
Slayngren: how old is he fo' real
CleoDestroy: hahahahaha
CleoDestroy: 15
Slayngren: YOU FUCKING STOP IT
CleoDestroy: oh god... its soo funny
Slayngren: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!??!!?
Slayngren: you got alot of 'splainin to do
CleoDestroy: hahaha
Slayngren: c'mon now these are innocent questions
Slayngren: just gimmie the scoop and i'll get off yo' ass about it
CleoDestroy: um.. you're just jealous
Slayngren: TRUE
Slayngren: but that's besides the point
CleoDestroy: but... he really is 15
CleoDestroy: hahahahahaha
CleoDestroy: yeah
Slayngren: and he lives in alabama
CleoDestroy: heh
Slayngren: ....i bet he's a rodeo cowboy ontop of this
CleoDestroy: lol
Slayngren: ....and he's got blue hair
CleoDestroy: dont say anything to anyone
Slayngren: and comes from another planet
CleoDestroy: lol
Slayngren: @#*()^$(@#)*$*!@&
CleoDestroy: he has no friends...
Slayngren: I WILL NOT SUCCUMB TO YOUR LIES
CleoDestroy: everyone picks on him cause he is smarter than everyone and way more mature
Slayngren: you
Slayngren: are the biggest
Slayngren: yet most talented
Slayngren: liar
Slayngren: i know
CleoDestroy: um...lol
CleoDestroy: i rock
CleoDestroy: but really
CleoDestroy: really
Slayngren: no i'm not giving in on this
CleoDestroy: fine...lol
Slayngren: why the fuck would you have a 15 year old boyfriend
Slayngren: in another state
Slayngren: no
CleoDestroy: hahahaha
Slayngren: this doesn't happen except to freakish computer nerds
CleoDestroy: oh god i miss you
CleoDestroy: hahaha
CleoDestroy: you make me laugh more than any other person
Slayngren: I"M BEING DEAD SERIOUS!
Slayngren: *GLARE*
CleoDestroy: hahahaha... yeah yeah sure keith
Slayngren: (you too though, funniest girl i frikkin know)
CleoDestroy: pfft
CleoDestroy: right
CleoDestroy: ::blushes::
Slayngren: don't you dare blush
Slayngren: you know that's shit's true
CleoDestroy: pfft.... yeah
Slayngren: so don't even pretend to be embarrassed
CleoDestroy: better watch out... il sick braydon on you
CleoDestroy: he is pretty tough
Slayngren: OR THAT YOU HAVE A 15 YEAR OLD BOYFRIEND
Slayngren: >:o
CleoDestroy: lol
CleoDestroy: oh god i want to see your face right now
CleoDestroy: hahaha
CleoDestroy: ill be over on friday
Slayngren: see the thing is
CleoDestroy: i think
Slayngren: I TOTALLY BELIEVED YOU AT FIRST
Slayngren: WHICH MAKES ME EVEN MORE ANGRY
Slayngren: GRRAAAAAAAA
CleoDestroy: but its true
Slayngren: >:o>:o>:o>:o
CleoDestroy: hahaha... you want to ask him?
Slayngren: ....this is going to turn ugly on me isn't it
CleoDestroy: haha yep
Slayngren: when it all turns out true
Slayngren: and i end up sobbing on the ground
CleoDestroy: why?
Slayngren: begging the big j to come kill me
Slayngren: FIFTEEN LAUREN
Slayngren: FIFTEEN
Slayngren: MY CAT IS FIFTEEN LAUREN
Slayngren: DO YOU WANT TO DATE MY CAT
Slayngren: and friday would be awesome
CleoDestroy: hahahahaha
CleoDestroy: oh god
Slayngren: >:o
Slayngren: I"M NOT DONE RANTING
CleoDestroy: hahaha
CleoDestroy: oh god this is the funniest thing ever
Slayngren: I HAVE T-SHIRTS THAT OLD
Slayngren: T-SHIRTS LAUREN
Slayngren: ($&*#)(@*$&#)*(@& CLOTHES
Slayngren: >:o
CleoDestroy: ive been laughing for the past 20 min
Slayngren: good cuz you won't be laughin when i see you in person!
CleoDestroy: hahahaha
CleoDestroy: dont tell anyone
CleoDestroy: jesus
Slayngren: @#*($&@#)($&* BRAYDON THE FIFTEEN YEAR OLD HILLBILLY MY ASS
CleoDestroy: :-( he isnt a hillbilly
Slayngren: lauren you're taking this too far
CleoDestroy: what too far
Slayngren: *shakes fist*
Slayngren: YOU WIN OK
Slayngren: ISN"T THAT WHAT YOU WANT
Slayngren: YOU WIN
CleoDestroy: hahaha
CleoDestroy: win what?
Slayngren: jesus fuckin christ
CleoDestroy: were we argueing... i was tell ing you something... and you were listening
Slayngren: i'm done
Slayngren: i might as well start crying now
Slayngren: there's no way around it
CleoDestroy: hahaha
Slayngren: you have successfully driven me absolutely nuts
CleoDestroy: oh man i rock... and i didnt even do anything
Slayngren: this has not happened in a million years
Slayngren: ok fine
Slayngren: now that i'm emotionally spent
CleoDestroy: what?
Slayngren: where did you meet him
CleoDestroy: i didnt do anything
CleoDestroy: Role Playing
Slayngren: why the fuck did you decide to date a fifteen year old
CleoDestroy: ive been Role Playing with him for a year and we started talking
Slayngren: did you ever even CONSIDER the moral implications of this
CleoDestroy: then... reluctantly, i realized im in love with a 15 year old
CleoDestroy: um..... fuck age limits
Slayngren: well then it comes down to this
Slayngren: you
CleoDestroy: love has no age
Slayngren: are
Slayngren: my
Slayngren: hero
CleoDestroy: yeah
Slayngren: SICK
Slayngren: but my hero
CleoDestroy: oh man i never stop making you proud
Slayngren: you have hit a new low
Slayngren: and yes i'm proud
Slayngren: it's like you do it so i don't have to
CleoDestroy: haha
Slayngren: although i was starting to get used to hanging out at the middle school
Slayngren: playin dodgeball
Slayngren: you know how it is
CleoDestroy: pfft....oh  man Keith...you are my favorite person
Slayngren: that's a lie!
CleoDestroy: no.. totally true
Slayngren: if that was true you'd listen to my advice to NOT DATE A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD IN ANOTHER STATE OVER THE INTERNET
Slayngren: YOU FREAK OF NATURE
CleoDestroy: i was waiting for you to come online...
Slayngren: :-Dok i'm done
CleoDestroy: well actually, its completely natural...
Slayngren: *plugs ears*
Slayngren: LALALALALAL
Slayngren: LALALALLALALA
CleoDestroy: people have been doing this since mans first fuck
Slayngren: yeah yeah, but over the internet creeps me out
Slayngren: it's just my insecurities and weirdness i'm sure it's totally fine
CleoDestroy: we have web cams
CleoDestroy: lol
Slayngren: ....oh god
CleoDestroy: hehehe kiddy porn
CleoDestroy: michael jackson is my fucking hero
CleoDestroy: ohhh yeah
Slayngren: ....stop it
Slayngren: just stop it
CleoDestroy: :-)
Slayngren: i'm going to throw up
CleoDestroy: lol
CleoDestroy: wow
CleoDestroy: oh my god...
CleoDestroy: i never thought it posible
CleoDestroy: ::wide eyed:: i amd the golden god
Slayngren: it's true
Slayngren: do me a favor though
Slayngren: never
Slayngren: ever
Slayngren: mention this again
CleoDestroy: hahah done and done
CleoDestroy: if you dont
Slayngren: i'm going to make sure I pump myself full of plenty amnesia serum
Slayngren: and continue to be blissfully unaware
Slayngren: of all of this
CleoDestroy: no tellin your friends... i want a clean weekend
Slayngren: ??
CleoDestroy: yeah thats right
Slayngren: no i don't know what you mean
CleoDestroy: exactly
CleoDestroy: heh
CleoDestroy: sooooo

I will spare you my usual rant about how much I hate people who drink and the way people act when they're under the influence of being TOTALLY FUCKING RETARDED.

So I got someone charged with trespassing and drunkeness tonight.  I could have gotten him charged with felony burglary but the rugby team is big and would have kicked my ass.  But yeah, I bet that kid is going to enjoy getting chewed out by his parents and hopefully some kind of fine and community service.  Although in some sense I wish I had been a bit more of a jerk and had him taken to jail for 2-5 YEARS HOLY SHIT THAT WOULD ROCK!  But no, not so....  Anyways I don't really have anything funny to say, this was more of a triumphant bellow of crazy....FUCK YOU FUCKING DRUNK KIDS, I MAY HATE THE COPS BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE???? WHEN THE COPS PULL YOUR DRUNK ASS DOWN!!!

FUCK YOU DRUNKY MC DRUNK DRUNK!

Why Steve Byers is my hero...

YahwehTzVaoth: Dude, something really fucking funny happened at school.
YahwehTzVaoth: I made some bitch hate the shit out of me.
Slayngren: OOOH YES
YahwehTzVaoth: Professor: blah, blah blah
YahwehTzVaoth: (Bitch raises her hand)
Slayngren: heheh
Slayngren: i like where this is going
YahwehTzVaoth: P:  You can't possibly be lisenting to me if you have your hand raised.
YahwehTzVaoth: (dead silence)
Slayngren: .....
YahwehTzVaoth: Some guy:  Thats not the first time she's been told that either.
YahwehTzVaoth: (Silence)
Slayngren: oh crap this is great
YahwehTzVaoth: P: Well, it looks like some of your classmates agree with me.
YahwehTzVaoth: Me:  Oh, SNAP!
YahwehTzVaoth: (laughter)
Slayngren: HAHAHAHAH
Slayngren: steve you actually made me laugh out loud
Slayngren: holy shit
Slayngren: HOLY SHIT

Well as many of you may very well I know, I'm currently in a state of what I would call the 'crushhood.'  It's that odd feeling you get in your loins when the object of your desire or affection passes by, emits gas, vomits on the kitchen floor from eating too much rancid pancake mix.  Anyways, as always, I'm so amazingly stalker levels of intense involving this situation that I constantly force this young lady to hang out with me by tricking her into coming over by offering food, art supplies, and oral sex.  Shit I didn't say that.  What I meant was window cleaning supplies.  Anyways, as is often the case, she is unsure of my motives (after all, I do root through garbage for nick-nacks to give to my grandparents on christmas)  Apparently my amorous advances have been a little overt--I made a cd of all love songs and tried to non-chalantly play it off as some sort of random result of rolling a twenty sided die.  Yeah that's right, I run my life using small D&D accessories.  You should see my green dragon dildo.  I didn't say that.  Anyways, this is one of those times where a good friend has blossomed into something more for me.  Hahah blossom, that cunt needed a nose job, hahah nosejob, sounds like blowjob, hahah blowjob it's funny because it's a nickname for oral sex on a male.  Hahah oral sex, it's like oral B only someone's genitals are in your mouth...hahah mouth.  Whatever, it'll work out either way.  Fuck this noise--I'm starving I'll bite your arm off.

There are some things I live without...  Most of them are all of the good things that make everyone happy, like puppies, like the internet, like pudding.  But right now, right now I'm in the zone.  Not the pizone mind you, which I may add, is just a clever ploy by pizza hut to make you buy calzones, it has nothing to do with genetalia.  The suit may be like $4,000, and all I did was just grab his crotch.  Why would anyone advertise a p-zone if they weren't going to deliver.  I mean, I had my doubts, there are very few services nowadays whom will deliver a young man or woman to your door for you to fondle their crotch, or PEE-ZONE, but pizza hut has always done legitimate business in the past; their recent move to escort services seemed to promise me quality product for less, and in a friendly family atmosphere.  What I got was a surly man whom was anything but cordial, and anything but pleasant. 

So anyways yeah, that's how I spent the rest of my weekend, feeling men up for loose change.  Actually it really involved a lame party, some late-night I-hop, and what I would like to call a category 1 orgy.  Believe me, it's not nearly as sexy as you think.  Or is it?  Yes it is.  Or is it?

YOH I"M RHETT

It occurred to me that I have far too much in the way of humor spawned from myself on this page, and not nearly enough from friends of mine...  So here are some choice words from my friend paul...

Pwrpffbuff(paul):  I had an uncle that didn't pay insurance so long that if he got caught, he would not have to pay as much as he saved.  He said he was 'ahead of the game.'  Then he died. 

Slayngren(me):  I tried to eat some rice-a-roni for lunch that we had in the fridge.  It was kind of old, and gelatinous.  I took about four bites before I was done for good.
Pwrpffbuff(paul):  Don't do that to yourself-people care about you.

Then he died.

Alright...I can't write about that many funny things that happened last night because not much of it was funny.  On the other hand, unlike most halloweens, it totally rocked.  Usually my night is 'mischief night' the night before halloween when you expose yourself to four year olds and vandalize police cars by writing 'you aren't doing a very good job of protecting the peace, officer meanyhead.'  So anyways, I was being a bitter old man in my house, as is my way, drawing goblins disembowling people, when a huge group of what I thought were drunkards, just kind of walked into my house.  So I came creeping down the stairs with a sword, dead-set on doing some stabby stab, when I realize it's my housemate.....and like a dozen women.  To this I said 'jesus christ david, i'll let you guys be alone.'  They didn't laugh.  Then they proceeded to disrobe.  Running in terror and clutching my eyes, I fell up the steps.  Yes it happened shut up.

Anyways long story short, my friend mariel and I cut up my pants and lit my shirt on fire, and I went to this huge block party as Tom Hanks from castaway.  No one got it.  I then rolled in the mud, was molested on two nonconsecutive occasions.  Took a shower.  Watched a movie, which ended in something I had been hoping would happen for a while now.  I'll leave it that vague...  And NO it DOES NOT involve weasels.  Well maybe a little.  Well ok, I got my new weasel catalogue in the mail.

So yeah, not really funny, but a good night on the whole.  Hah.  Hole.

Hawaiian pants are the wave of the future.  I have realized that I, yes I have come up with the worst, and therefor best, trend for clothing ever created.  That's right, versacci can take his well oiled trombone and rape whales for the rest of his life, and it won't help him ever break out of his monotonous thinking.  HAWAIIAN PANTS PEOPLE, pants that you only button the bottom button on.  How is this sexy?  Are you kidding?  You'll be able to spot my man-bush at fifty paces, I could hide a veritable vietcong platoon in the enormous chasm that is the top of my pants.  A seething jungle of delights awaits those who.....

Jesus christ.  There is much to be said for the fashion industry, after all, what other industry on earth makes a living by making people feel bad about themselves, and then selling them crap that no one in their right mind would ever wrap around their bodies except to use as some kind of ogre contaceptive.  Speaking of last night, my car broke down, and some weird goth redneck helped me move it.  At first, you'd think to yourself, goth redneck?  Jigga wha?  And then quickly follow it by splashing ice cold milk onto my nipples, gently thwacking them with duck feathers until.....  NO really this kid was in all black, seemed like a metal head, but was totally rockin the southern drawl.  I imagined him saying....  "Ya'll wanna go catch a vamp-oire flick and then go drink some beeer?"  To which I would say, only if the flick ends in date rape.

Indeed.

Today, for those of you whom are interested, I think it's time to discuss something you've probably all been wondering about.  As if you don't know already, I will state that I am a big frikkin nerd, like absolutely huge, I basically whack off to D&D, Rifts, and palladium.  Now these things are all well and good for playing with, but when it comes to having a companion with you on those lonely wintery nights, the paper tends to scrape you, and hardcover books, jesus don't get me started I still have a scab there.  So we're going to do a little documentary...

Here we see, the elusive gaming nerd, sitting at his preferred communication relay device, the dorkbox, otherwise known as, the tabletop computer.  As you can see, he stares at the screen like a smack addict, constantly waving his legs in a feeble attempt to keep his muscles from atrophying.  Judging by his tone, it seems that this particular nerd has not gotten any exercise in years.  His pants are oversized, hopefully to hide his hideously scarred genitals (herpes can do that to you, especially if you try and remove the chancres with lye and FIRE), but the smell that wafts from them obviously gives him away. 

Ok nevermind this kind of backfired, my biography is still in the works and I don't want to give it away...  7.95 with rebate!  Lately there has been this kid, we'll just call him 'Kim' who has the audacity to mock us while we kick around a sack full of beans.  C'mon now ITS A SACK FULL OF BEANS WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM US!?!??!  Do you really have to go out of your way, to make fun of kids, who spend a good portion of their day kicking this sack???  Anyways, this kid thinks it's hilarious that we hackysack to hardcore, and often screams 'I"M HACKYSACKING' in his best impersonation of a dead squirrel.  At first I might have been a little hurt, then I remembered he's just some hippy. 

OH I"M SORRY.  MY MUSIC DOESN"T HAVE TWENTY MINUTE SONGS THAT GO NOWHERE AND REQUIRE NO TALENT.  NO THERE AREN"T SIX PEOPLE PLAYING ACOUSTIC GUITAR WHILE ONE SUCKS COCK WHILE MOANING LIKE A WILDEBEAST.  NO EVERY BAND IS NOT A REHASH OF THE GRATEFUL DEAD, AND NO THEY DON"T COVER FISH SONGS, HALF OF WHICH ARE ALREADY COVERS!!!  NO I"M SORRY THERE AREN"T ANY 'BOOTLEGS'  BECAUSE PUNK BANDS AREN"T HALFASSED CAPITALISTS TRYING TO HIDE THE FACT THAT THEY NEED MONEY FOR REEFER ALL THE WHILE SAYING HOW ITS OUR FASCINATION WITH MATERIAL THINGS WHICH BRINGS US DOWN.  WEED IS A MATERIAL THING YOU FUCKING DUMB HIPPY!!!  AND ALL THAT HEMP BULLSHIT, THAT"S MATERIAL TOO.  SO THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO MAKE FUN OF ME FOR KICKING A SACK WHILE LISTENING TO HARDCORE, REMEMBER THAT YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT AS USEFUL AS A URINAL CAKE YOU FILTHY EXCUSE FOR A USED CUM-RAG.

Today on IM I had this conversation with my sister that went essentially like this...

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

KERIN:  Alright I better get back to my work.  I made these motivational signs for myself and posted them around the room, they help me work.
KEITH:  What do you mean, like 'oh god I need to work or I'll live the rest of my life getting mayonaise shot into my genitals for forty bucks a day?'
KERIN:  Uhhhhh more like "Stop fucking around and do your work you stupid slut...  Oh yeah and put down the candy biatch"
KEITH:  HAHAHAH OH GOD
KERIN:  Oh yeah and 'Do your work hoe-beast'
KEITH:  I got two words for you 'C'moooooooon'